Intelligent thoughts... or not?
Various intelligent thoughts...
- Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- If trees could scream, would we then be so cavalier about cutting them down?
Mmmm... we might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying."
And if he asks why God
is crying, another cute thing to tell him is; "Probably because of something
- As the light changed from red to yellow to green and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea, but it's just
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
- I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like chewing gum.
- I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off!
- I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
- Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should
just call them 'impressions'.
And if you got a different 'impression',
so what, can't we all be brothers?
- Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
- We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
- I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
- The smart man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe, but the stupid man will find some seaweed and roll around until he's all covered in it and go, 'Hey! I'm vine man!'
- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at
that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind". What
do these words mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.
- If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
- It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
- For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
- Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
- During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner".
- Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can old. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
- A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: That's dynamite, baby.
- Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
- Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
- If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
- I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
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